Even more modest proposals, AP Lang edition
In the tradition of students' reading Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal," the AP Lang class was no exception. Below are their original satires (meaning they are NOT to be taken too seriously and contain lots of ridiculous content) but that still do throw shade at real issues, just like Swift did in his original text. Students used the template here to complete their modest proposals, which are also pastiches of the original. Examples of past student versions of this work can be found here and here.
A Modest Proposal
For how to Stop Climate Changes from affecting rising sea levels and how ocean water can be used for something else rather than putting it all in the ocean.
by Alondra R.
Climate change is something that is very active in our modern world. With Climate Change quickly happening, rising sea levels are becoming more and more frequent. The heat we are experiencing is causing glaciers and ice sheets to melt worldwide, which adds more water to the ocean, causing the volume of the ocean to expand. Rising sea levels cause erosion in shore lines, meaning the ocean continues to expand onland. It also affects the coastal drinking water supplies with salt water intrusion, and can displace coastal residents.
The most reliable and necessary solution is to create enlarged fans and put them along the coastline of the ocean to blow the excess water away. These fans can be made with the same materials as windmills, which has steel (66-79% of total turbine mass); fiberglass, resin or plastic (11-16%); iron or cast iron (5-17%); copper (1%); and aluminum (0-2%).The fans would push all the extra water out into the atmosphere, taking the weight of having rising sea levels off our shoulders. Not only would this solution help with rising sea levels but it would also help with the problem of global warming.
Having enlarged fans will also help with the heat. Since the water is being pushed away, mist of water particles would be in the air which would help freshen us on hot days, which would also lead us to being more emotionally tolerable. Over time, the topic of rising sea levels will be less and less heard of because the water would have gone back up into the atmosphere to be reused for other important things like rain.
Some other solutions that have been brought to my attention is the creation of dunes along the shoreline of the beach to create a fence between the shore and the ocean. This idea wouldn’t work because the ocean is too strong to be stopped by a wall of sand. People also believe that they would plant sea grass in the ocean to stop erosion but that also wouldn’t work because the fish would eat the grass so that would just end up a waste of money.
Rising sea levels are catching up to us fast, and the most logical solution to rising sea levels is pretty clear. By putting fans along the coastline all the excess water would be blown away and sent back into the atmosphere to be reused, we have all the necessary resources from windmills, so let’s not let sea creatures take over humanity.
A Modest Proposal
To Increase the Rate of Literacy and High Intelligence in the Children of the United States, and to Increase The Efficiency of our Society as a Whole
by Matthew D.
In the United States, a modern struggle that we are faced with is an issue in regards to the literacy rates of our population; in recent studies, it has been found that an astonishing 54% of US adults have a reading comprehension level below that of the 6th-grade level, with 21% being below the 5th-grade level. These literacy levels do not only impact people’s overall intelligence; they also have fiscal consequences, costing the United States up to $2.2 trillion per year, a staggering number, to say the least. In addition, the above statistics are only for adults, not for children; they, astoundingly, have roughly 66% of their population in the 4th-grade reading below proficiency levels, as reported in a study from 2013. Even in the most literate state from this study, that being Massachusetts, 53% of students were still reading below proficiency levels, with a notable difference based on income; while only 38% of higher-income students were under proficient reading levels, an astounding, bordering on unbelievable 75% of low-income students were under proficient reading levels. This is in comparison to the lowest ranked state of New Mexico, where 79% of students were under proficient reading level, with 61% being of higher income, and a genuinely mind-baffling 85% of low-income students being under proficient reading levels.
Taking these statistics into account, it is clear that we as a country need some form of solution to this issue, lest these numbers continue to grow until we as a whole are unable to comprehend even basic syntax. As such, I propose the following solution, which in addition to the issue of our literacy rates, will also aid with such issues as poverty, unemployment, overpopulation, and hunger; this issue, of course, being a regular cull of students performing at a certain level. Whenever tested at the 4th-grade level, students would be assigned a percentile upon receiving their score, between 1 and 100, which would in turn determine thief fate in the subsequent cull. Those who severely underperform, between the first and thirtieth percentile, would be spared, but placed into provisional and apprenticeship classes in place of academic courses; seeing as their low literacy rate would likely be unable to improve to appropriate levels before they were needed in society, placing them into courses that would instead allow them to grow into a workforce would both give us a readily available source of labor, but also give these students, many of which would likely be in lower-income families, an opportunity to make profits for their families. Naturally, these courses would likely continue from the 5th-grade to the 8th, with those showing high skill in their professions being granted extra education until the 12th-grade. A younger workforce would allow for more profits to be earned by their families, and would also aid in preventing these children from becoming delinquents and criminals by keeping them off the streets and restricting their access to harmful environments, such as poorly-run ghettos and slums. The reproduction rights for these people, however, would have to be revoked, and sterilizing methods put into place in order to prevent the breeding of more low-intelligence children. As for the highest performing students, with rates falling between the eightieth and hundredth percentiles, they would be placed into special academic courses to continue their education, as well as granted access to free post-secondary, and if wanted, graduate classes at institutions of their choice, allowing them to obtain as much knowledge as possible. These students would be separated, of course, from their lesser counterparts, both in school and in society in general, with crossbreeding between the two groups being not necessarily illegal, but highly vilified by the community. These higher-performing people, however, would have no restrictions on reproduction, as they would likely continue to produce children of above-average intelligence and skill. These people would also become the leading class in government and politics, using their knowledge to guide this country towards a brighter future. As for those in the middle, between the thirtieth and eightieth percentile, they would be, to put into blunt terms, killed off in a mass culling of the population. This, of course, would not occur until two months after the test, to account for any goodbyes to be said and all loose ends with their possessions to be tied off and dealt with. However, the corpses of these children would not be put to waste; instead, they would be turned into a sustainable source of both meat and fertilizer, with organs also harvested to be used in medical transplants and research. This would ultimately solve any issues regarding overpopulation and hunger, as well as access to medical care.
Taking into account the usefulness of the above solution, one shouldn’t stoop so low to consider more base solutions to the issue of falling literacy rates, especially not ones such as providing access to tutoring services for those falling behind in classes, enacting legislation to better regulate the educational systems and environments that lead to these low rates, or even providing free access to education, including primary, secondary, and post-secondary, to low income families or those in other forms of need. While these would solve the issue at hand, and would not necessitate the unfortunate loss of human life, they would fail to have all the additional benefits of my proposed solution, and therefore should not be considered. After all, the greatest solution is the one that grants the most benefit overall, not necessarily to the specific groups in question, but to every group possible. Besides, should such solutions be put into legislation or into practice, there is still the issue of those who remain at their lesser level of literacy abusing these systems to advance in life, thereby plaguing the upper echelons of educated society with their lackluster mental capabilities, small-time minds in the golden lands of intellectual enlightenment; this would, inherently, lessen the quality of life of those who possess above average intelligence, as meaningful conversation could not happen without conversational partners both being able to comprehend each other to the fullest extent.
Now, to once again remind you, dear reader, of the solution at hand, we as a society are facing declining literacy rates in both our adults and our children. My proposed solution of a regular cull and separation of the populations offers a readily available solution to this issue, as well as several others that currently plague our great society today. If one could solve all these issues, would the sacrifice of the lives of the average really be in that much vain? After all, the needs of the few would be satisfied, both in the highest and lowest echelons of society. I, unfortunately, cannot speak on the subject for these lower classes; as someone who has completed several honors level courses, and a few Advanced Placement ones as well, I have been seated well in this upper echelon, much to my chagrin, as I would wish to learn the turmoils that our less fortunate citizens would face. Alas, I suffer from my success, as mingling among them would have me vilified. Nevertheless, I hope you can see the benefits that my proposal carries, and would consider it deeply as a solution to the problem at hand, and all others that it would aid to solve.
A Modest Proposal:
For Preventing the Rise in Body Dysmorphia and Promoting Body Positivity
by Londyn C.
There are many problems that our society has to deal with, especially today. However, one very specific issue that plagues people all over the world is body image issues, more commonly known as body dysmorphia. It is a hot topic with social media being as big as it is, showing the unrealistic ideals of body types and though it may try to uplift people sometimes it does more harm than it does good.
The first strategy I suggest is that, to stop the spread of doubt within the citizens of the world when it comes to the goals of our bodies, is to get rid of all social media. Whether it be Instagram, TikTok, or Twitter, eliminating all forms of social media gets rid of unrealistic ideals and allows us to live in the present. This way food pages, which could make you fatter, fitness pages, which could make you thinner, and even sports pages, which could motivate you to stay in shape are no longer up. You can't access them which in turn makes you think less about your body, allowing you to be comfortable in your own skin. Not only that, but it comes with many other benefits as well such as a longer attention span, not spending as much money, and spending less time on electronics and more time with family or friends.
Another suggestion that could help to benefit the global issue of body dysmorphia is to replace all regular mirrors with funhouse mirrors. If everyone is given a mirror that shows a distorted version of themselves, nobody will know exactly what or how they look. This way, nobody will be worried about if they are more plus sized or more thin, instead they will worry about exactly how their mirrors got replaced. By giving them another issue to solve such as who took their actual mirror, they won’t even think about how they look.
Finally, my last proposition is to set fire to all food and clothes. You may be thinking to yourself, if you get rid of food you can't eat. Exactly! If people can't get food they can't gain weight or be jealous over what someone else is eating, therefore everyone will have to appreciate their bodies for what it's worth. Furthermore, the same can be said about clothes. The different sizes could cause people to feel bad about themselves, especially when it comes to their bodies. So, if everyone is naked, they are their “true” selves and have no choice but to feel confident.
With all of that being said, the suggestions made seem to be reasonable enough and could better help the people who struggle with their body image. So, for those reasons if people don’t take action now body dysmorphia will always be a problem, I only want what's best for the citizens of the world.
A Modest Proposal
For Solving the Issue of the Earth’s Choking Skies and Purifying the World of Such Hazardous Conditions So That Everyone Can Live Healthy and Not In Horrible Misery
by Aaron C.
Ever since the creation of transportation methods such as cars and the use of fossil fuels in factories, our once clean, blue skies are now constantly infected with such plaguing, toxic emissions that harm human health as well as environmental health. This change in air quality is called air pollution. Air pollution, caused by many things such as gas emission from cars, is a looming crisis that demands our immediate attention if we are to solve it.
In order to solve this problem, I have come up with the most audacious, but revolutionary solution that will fix our dilemma of polluted air. In an age dominated by cars and factories, the solution is most evident. Every car that was made and every factory that was constructed shall all be detonated to solve our crisis. With every car and factory gone, the air will no longer be threatened by gas emissions and we all shall be able to breathe in peace.
Detonating cars and factories is the best solution for many reasons. For one, and the most apparent reason, the pollution of air would significantly lower. Cars and factories are the leading factors of air pollution due to the burning of gasoline and fossil fuels respectively. By eliminating these factors, air pollution will significantly be lowered. Second, detonating all cars and factories would lower death tolls by millions. Yearly, millions of people are killed by air pollution. Detonating cars and factories will lower air pollution, which will lead to lower deaths by air pollution. Lastly, crops and trees will finally be able to grow without being killed off. Air pollution interferes with the resource accumulation of crops and trees. Lowering air pollution will save many crops.
Though they might help, reducing the usage of cars and factories are useless and won’t solve the problem of air pollution effectively. Not everyone will be willing to use cars sparingly, making the effort to use cars sparingly not as effective as it could be. Even switching to electric cars won’t help much as they leave behind particles called particulate matter, which can be generated from tire grinds and affect the air quality. Controlling factories with the use of regulations also won’t help as factories are still emitting harmful emissions such as carbon monoxide, which will slowly eat away at our skies.
To review, the creation of transportation methods and the use of fossil fuels in factories have infected our skies with toxic emissions that harm human and environmental health. To solve this, we must detonate all cars and factories, as they emit harmful substances into the air. Once all cars and factories are detonated, our skies will become much brighter and healthier, and so too, our future.
A Modest Proposal
For ending the drug addiction and overdose epidemic as well as decreasing the homeless population.
by Balentine B. & Caleb C.
A large issue facing society today is the epidemic of drug abuse and addiction. 8.3 million is the large number of people that are suspected to have drug addictions. 653,00 is the number of homeless people that live in the US. All these number are extremely high and with all these people being affected by these problems we must find a solution.
Many ask how we will solve these problems in our country. The solution is simple. For the ones that are drug addicted we need to give everyone suspected of having a drug addiction a lethal overdose of their drug of choice. This way, not only do we get rid of the drug market but we also see the addiction rate drop to zero. A person cannot be addicted to drugs if they aren’t taking them. We will no longer have to see crazy people on the street because they’re gone woohoo. There’s other people on the streets too and its homeless people what is our modest solution to this problem you may ask? Well we propose that we should just throw them out like the rest of the trash in the streets. Instead of having just garbage trucks coming around and picking up the trash in the streets we will also have them for the homeless people. That way our streets stay clean from all types of trash that is on the streets of our cities. The garbage trucks will relocate them to random rivers that way we never have to worry about them coming back.
Our solutions are great for a number of reasons. One reason is that the number of people addicted to drugs will be zero and it will happen extremely fast. We will no longer have to hear stories of people fighting addiction as they won’t be able to fight it. Another reason is that by ending the drug addiction epidemic, homelessness will also drastically decrease as there will be less addicts spending all their money on drugs and will instead pay for housing. Lastly there will also be a drastic decrease in crime and incarceration. There will be little to no arrests over drugs and there will be a major decrease in accompanying crimes like violent offenses.
Many may say this solution is far too extreme and there are other options such as rehab programs. There are a couple of major issues with this potential solution. To begin, rehab only work if the addict wants to be helped and is willing to become better. Most addicts do not want help, most addicts are too weak minded and lazy to better themselves. Secondly there are countless ongoing rehab programs operating in the United States, yet the drug epidemic is only getting worse. These programs waste millions of dollars on the waste of society to not better themselves. So not only do rehab programs not work in theory, but they do not work in practice either.
A pressing issue of our generation is the drug addiction epidemic. By overdosing all the addicts on the streets, there will no longer be any addicts on the streets. We shall simply dispose of the human trash.
A Modest Proposal
For Solving the Issue of Racism in Society, More Specifically the Concept of White Supremacy, In Order to Rescue Society and Create a Better World
by Isabella W.
Issues stemming from racial prejudice have plagued society for as long as people have been around. Racism has started wars, violence, enslavement, verbal assaults, and a plethora of other things. Everyday there seems to be a new headline pertaining to some racial injustice, years and years we have suffered from this mental disease and at the top of the food chain sits the pure and perfect white man. The white man who benefits the most from this sickly way of living, who sits in his home as this issue continues to grow so that his power will not be lost.
I think it can be said that this way of living is not sustainable and eventually will lead to our annihilation. In the current state our society will collapse and there is no telling what that will bring. A solution for this issue would save the world essentially and the person who finds that solution would be dubbed a hero in textbooks.
My intentions are to solve this issue not just for a short time but forever; to create peace efficiently and effectively.
After several years of rolling different ideas around and reading the works of others on this topic I have found one logical solution. As I have stated at its core racism benefits the white man the most, in order to solve this issue that party must be removed. Now bringing physical harm to those people would be hypocritical so I propose they be relocated. An area of the world carved out for a group of people to live comfortably in order to save the rest of the world. This area would be decently large to accommodate for the amount of white men. Now I have yet to mention white women because this is a nuanced topic, though they are white they are still below the white man so they will be given an option. If they are married to a white man they shall go with him to their new home however if unmarried or married to a non-white man it is up to them to decide whether or not they are comfortable living in a world where white people are not on top. Those who are uncomfortable with that idea may also be relocated as for the rest they are free to stay in the new world.
The loss of the white man in society is a sacrifice worth making and I have found a great deal of reasons why.
Firstly this will open doors for everyone else. No longer will the voices of people of color be shut down by the white majority. They shall speak their grievances openly with the knowledge that others who can relate will listen and accommodate.
Secondly, losing the white majority provides lots of empty spaces that will need filling. Jobs that were once held predominately by white folk will be filled by people of color. Seats in classrooms held by the white majority will be diversified. The homes once lived in by white people can be filled with people of color who were before living on the streets.
Jobs, education, housing and other issues that may not seem to be a result of racism are all issues that can be solved by the relocation of white people.
Thirdly, This solution will end racism amongst other races. For example, Asian people and black people will no longer have to compete for who is most well loved by the white man instead they can live alongside each other, no longer needing to conform to white standards.
Fourthly, the cultures of people that white people labeled as “taboo” can be embraced once again with no fear that the white media will shame you.
Many other advantages could be listed but I would like to keep this brief. However from what I have already stated it can be seen that this relocation of the white population can save the world from impending doom in just a few generations.
I can’t think of any better solution to this issue, other than the lack of white people in the world may mean a loss of a few amazing thinkers and to that I say we will record what they have given us and provide that knowledge to other amazing thinkers who happen to not be white. Therefore let no one talk of other expedients: Of teaching white children the real history in order to help them understand and unlearn racist mindsets: Of sharing cultures with each other: Of learning to embrace our differences: Of allowing different cultures in the workplace: Of discarding racist stereotypes: Of supporting organizations that fight for people of color: Of taking steps to acknowledge ones privilege: Of condemning white supremacy.
Therefore, I repeat no one shall speak of any other expedients as there is no way to make sure any of these things are being put into practice.
I profess that this solution was created solely on the basis of liberating the world from the white supremacy that plagues our world, I personally gain nothing from this. I myself have one white parent who would be given the same choice as all other white women. And it is actually very likely I will lose much of my privilege as I am half white. Still I believe my solution to be the only way the world can every dream of a world where race does not inhibit one's life.
A Modest Proposal:
For the Elimination of Useless Advanced Placement Classes at Airport High School to Promote Dual Enrollment Classes and thus Further the Higher Education of Students
by Riley W.
Advanced Placement (AP) classes are distracting students at Airport high school away from the dual enrollment program offered through Midlands Tech. As a result, the students suffer when considering the next step of their education. This is widely due to how AP classes offer a heavier workload, less real-world social skills, and one must pass the test to gain college credit. Consequently, when students go on to college they find themselves less prepared and are obliged to go into more debt. Therefore, a solution must be found in order to divert the control AP has over Airport’s students.
The only solution to this problem is to fire all of the AP teachers at Airport. If all the AP teachers are gone, then there will be zero teachers able to teach the students for the AP test. As a result, guidance counselors will no longer schedule students for AP classes. Instead, if students want college credit they will have no option but to join the dual enrollment program.
The firing of AP teachers offers several benefits to the school as a whole. First and the most obvious reason, is that more students will turn to dual enrollment. With this students will gain more social skills, take on insignificant amounts of debt, and earn more college credit than they could ever imagine if they would have taken AP classes. Second, many of the AP teachers are senior, highly educated teachers meaning they make more money compared to the newer, average teacher. As this is the case, by firing the AP teachers money could be saved and invested into new areas. For example, it could be invested into the dual enrollment program to ensure that those who do not qualify for the Palmetto Life scholarship still have an opportunity to partake in the dual enrollment program at no cost. Third, if all of the AP teachers are fired, then students will have more time themselves because they will be a part of dual enrollment. Dual enrollment classes only go Monday to Thursday and their semesters are almost three weeks shorter than the average school semester. Therefore, students will have more opportunities to do whatever they please and relax, especially since one can sign a waiver to go home when classes are not in session.
The only objection I can think of that one may argue against my claim is that of the AP teachers and their livelihoods. However, in my opinion, they will be just fine because there is currently a nationwide teacher shortage, and I am sure any school would be willing to hire a qualified teacher. As this is the case, there is no other justifiable solution to remedy this problem. Many proposed solutions have dire faults such as advertising and outreach for dual enrollment would only be met with discouragement from AP teachers, trying to schedule dual enrollment classes and AP classes together would only be met with conflicting schedules, or simply picking one over the other would lead to students making an ill-deformed decision before knowing the true benefits. For those reasons, the firing of AP teachers remains to be the only proven solution.
Overall, the reliance on AP remains to be an evident problem at Airport high school. It is only through the firing of AP teachers that can rid the school of this problem. Not only would it be beneficial for the students educationally, but it would promote their health giving them more time-off and it would benefit the school economically by having less teachers to pay. Furthermore, Airport could take a major step in decreasing the nationwide trend of growing student debt. Airport has the opportunity to send students off every year with more and more college credit. However, since it chooses to prioritize AP, its students suffer from having to go into more debt to pay for more classes.