Another modest proposal

In the grand tradition of Jonathan Swift along with several subsequent journalists, and let's not forget our Eyrie predecessors, staff writer Samari P. brings us another modest proposal. Please note: this is a satire that relies on verbal irony and is NOT to be taken literally. It does, however, beneath its satirical façade, retain a modicum of crucial truths in the eyes of its author.

A MODEST PROPOSAL

For the Growing Influx of Aliens, the Unlike, and the Unlawful; and What We Hearty Americans Should Do About Them So They Don’t Erode Our Patriotism and Livelihood

All throughout history, the proper citizens of the United States of America have been overwhelmed with the intrusion of different-looking individuals. Of late, there have been even more people illegally trespassing into the United States than ever. Illegal immigrants are people that infiltrate and sneak onto American soil without a visa or the legal right to do so, or an illegal immigrant can be one who overstays their time limit in America. American citizens have been fretting and panicking—rightfully so—over what should be done about this ever so dreadful issue.

Allowing illegal immigrants to live in our country will ultimately lead to the United States going bankrupt, due to the government having to spend such copious amounts of money on these immigrants, as they are currently so well-cared for in the United States, and do not deserve such basic decency.

All true people of America agree that if this issue is left alone it will show to be a hindrance to the nation, and eventually, cause utter chaos. The United States of America will be ruined by this phenomenon of individuals flooding into our lands unlawfully if something is not done about it.

The purpose of this writing is to present a solution to this problem. A humble, modest proposal. The solution that will later be mentioned in this article is infallible but at the same time so plain and manageable that one could reasonably describe it as foolproof. After implementation of these solutions, life in the United States will tremendously improve by saving the American citizens money, jobs, and preserving their nationalism.

Ultimately, the most effective way to obliterate illegal immigration is to enclose the United States within a clear maximum-security dome. Creating a spherical enclosure for the United States will provide paramount protection from possible intruders. No walls for them to climb over. A roof to keep America’s skies safe from potential airborne aliens.

The protection dome does not eliminate all of these problems, as there are currently illegal immigrants residing in our country this very moment! However, a special research team was designed specifically to hurdle the task of dealing with the ones that have already creeped their way in.

This research team was nicknamed Og-Yawa, containing the finest and most intelligent professionals across the country. Their solution to this issue was to gather a group of willing citizens to participate in a cross-country road trip and stop in every city of every United States. Their purpose is to ask every person they see if they are an illegal immigrant or not. These trusted citizens were given the right to declare a suspicious person in question as dishonest, and send them alongside the illegals that confessed.

Furthermore, Og-Yawa made a recommendation of this judging team to consist mostly of white male citizens, preferably ones from the deep south.

The immigrants that either admit their treachery and crime of trespassing onto American land, or exhibit incriminating behavior judged by the citizens, will be given boats and taken across either the Atlantic or the Pacific Ocean in order for them to make their way back to their original lands.

These ideas were given a lot of time, thought, and studies, but our experts all unanimously agree that this is the most proper path to safety and tranquility in the United States.

An investigation was recently done in order to support the efficiency and benefits of the anti-illegal immigrant plan. America’s experts have found, after plenty of thorough and precise research, that the most illegal immigration occurs during the spring. Furthermore, one of our top specialists also made note that American suicides peak in the spring. Any intellectual can grasp that these two instances are directly correlated, showcasing just how much of a horrendous impact this issue has on American citizens. By cracking down on illegal immigration, we can crack down on suicides.

Our specialists also formulated a hypothesis, based on delicate research, that if illegal immigration continues, the current government will collapse and every American will fall to communism. The logic behind the hypothesis was that if America allows illegal immigration, the odds of communists probably infiltrating the country go up to as much as 70 percent. The mere thought of Marx’s red teachings seeping into American society utterly frightens our already-overwhelmed citizens. Not only does this plan come with the positive that America will be illegal-free, the boat plan will also allow America to be able to explore the undiscovered depths of the ocean and to advance in our marine knowledge, and this will serve as an example to the rest of the world that America is a well-rounded and adept power.

We are fully aware that this plan can cause slight controversy and objection within the general population. These people will attempt to pity illegal-immigrants and provide alternative solutions; however, the specially assembled teams have debunked every other solution. Some would suggest that the immigration system is corrupt and racist and requires complete reform, to make the process of becoming a legal citizen of America less difficult and fairer. This will not work, however, because our team has stressed that if America makes the citizenship process less difficult, then less people of quality will be granted citizenship in the United States. This is a problem because the United States depends on the work of the people, and allowing more people that are of no use to the country will ultimately lead to the country’s demise. Also, one specialist pointed out that if we allow this then there will probably be more drugs and criminals in the country, because true American citizens are not criminals and do not partake in criminal activity such as drug-use.

The livelihood of American citizens depends on the cooperation of these anti-illegal plans. The United States will flourish in prosperity if ridden of these parasitic responsibilities. Illegal immigration is most obviously the biggest problem and obstacle that the United States currently faces, and the termination of it should be considered a priority. To prevent the suicides. To give American's peace of mind. To eliminate the drug crisis. This modest proposal will better our society.