Some modest proposals

Modeled after Jonathan Swift's infamous satire, "A Modest Proposal," wherein he argues that the solution to Ireland's famine, poverty, and orphans is eating babies, The Eyrie staff have developed their own "modest proposals" for real problems they perceive to exist. They are as serious as staff members of The Onion, America's most trusted news source.

A MODEST PROPOSAL: For Preventing Fat People From Becoming Obese and Taking All the Food in Stores and Making People Judge Them Just For the Way They Look

by Cameron M.

Obesity is a disease. Obesity is defined by the World Health Organization as “abnormal or excessive fat accumulation that may impair health.'' Obesity is a disease affecting 100 million adults. That’s more than three times the number of adults with diabetes, but obesity affects more than just your weight. As the Obesity Medicine Association puts it, obesity can affect your whole body and cause migraines, depression, pseudotumor cerebri, asthma, liver disease, type 2 diabetes, metabolic syndrome, venous stasis disease, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, joint disease, and gout.

An article from Psychology Today mentions about this problem. Gary L. Wenk, and writer from Psychology today, says that “constantly bathing the brain in fat can change its DNA.” He then goes on to talk about how eating all these fatty food day after day, and year after year changes the DNA in our cells. These changes causes the brain to eat more and more everyday to feed this “ever-more-powerful new software program that’s evolved inside our brain,” said Wenk.

Most people that are obese feel that they can never lose that weight again, but I have a solution. To stop obesity, we can take healthy foods and drug the with things like nicotine. Then, once they become addicted, they’ll start eating the healthy foods everyday, and within a month, we should see a major drop in the amount of weight they had before becoming addicted.

This is a good idea because when we put the drugs in the healthy foods, they’ll get addicted and can’t stop eating the healthy foods. Another thing is that this will make there weight down because they’re eating healthy foods and they won’t want to eat any other foods because they’re addicted to healthy foods.

Yes, people may say that there are different ways to fix the obesity problems--like eating more fruit, vegetables, nuts, and whole grains, orr exercise for at least 30 minutes a day--but I feel that this just isn’t enough.

If we put the drugs like nicotine in healthy foods, we won’t have any more obese people and we’ll stop people from becoming overweight and causing problems with people’s health.

A MODEST PROPOSAL: For Preventing Women From Murdering Their Own Children Before They Have A Chance To Live Their Lives

by Logan W. and Nathan W.

In the United States of America, about one million humans are slaughtered while they’re inside their safe place every year. Their safe place being the mother's womb, where their life begins and ends within less than nine months. To put that into perspective, 36,000 people die from the flu, while around 600,000 die from cancer; a further 140,000 die from strokes, as well as 80,000 people die from influenza every year in the U.S. This means that 144,000 more babies die in the womb each year than four very deadly illnesses every year combined. It’s also important to know the baby has no protection or help if his/her mother wants an abortion, but people diagnosed with these illnesses can go to a doctor and have a higher chance of surviving.

To solve this problem, we suggest killing the mother if she wants to get an abortion. This way, the mother wouldn’t need an abortion. Then we won't have to worry about whether abortions are ok or bad anymore because they would never happen again.

If our suggestion gets taken seriously, then people will use more protection when together, so it’s almost impossible to get pregnant. Another benefit of our suggestion, is that once people hear about this they will stop wanting abortions, because they won't want to die in order to loose their baby. The last benefit of mine and Nathans suggestion is that if this happens this will be the only abortion law necessary.

One idiotic counter argument to our solution is making laws against abortions. This is stupid because people break laws all the time, so what's going to stop them from this? Another stupid solution to our problem is holding riots and protests at hospitals, in order to make doctors not perform abortions. This is totally outrageous because people will always be able to go to other doctors. One of the most used other suggestions is that we should just convert them to Christianity, but we are a democratic Nation and don’t force religion on other people.

Abortion is one of the major problems in our society these days, and all of those solutions are completely outrageous and will never work. On the other hand, our solution is the only reasonable one. Our solution was to kill any mother that wants to get an abortion.

A MODEST PROPOSAL: For Preventing the Spread and Building a Tolerance to Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS), Reducing the Deaths Caused by Them, and Changing the Human Race as a Whole

By Maggie and Emily

A study done by the Do Something Organization in 2015 has shown that 46% of high school students have had some kind of sexual experience. The same study revealed that sexually active high schoolers account for almost half of the instances of STDs, whether it be something curable like crabs or something more difficult to eradicate like AIDS. AIDS is a serious disease that limits the body’s ability to fight infections. STDs are very common; even a few celebrities have HIV/AIDS. They are Magic Johnson, the basketball player, and Johnathan Van Ness, from the show Queer Eye. The lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, also died due to complications related to AIDS.

An easy solution to this epidemic is to give everyone the disease. This would be possible via the water supply; if the virus is in the water, everyone would get it. There would only be a small amount injected into the water at any given time so people could slowly build a tolerance. Doing so would also help people defend themselves against other STDs since AIDS has many similarities to other sexually transmitted infections.

If everyone is affected by the disease, it will no longer be a disease; it will just become part of the human species, like acne. Over a large amount of time humans will adapt to become less affected by the disease. AIDS is not like the Flu; it does not change. Because of this the body will be able to protect itself from the symptoms of the disease and it will not be surprised by a new form of it. A person can not give someone AIDS if they already have it. By getting the disease a little at a time through the water instead of all at once through sexual contact the body will be more prepared to fight it if the latter does occur. If everyone had AIDS it would end the negative assumptions about it; people would be more open to talk about it and other STDs.

We have considered other solutions to this outbreak but none of them seem viable. STDs cannot be reduced by teaching sex ed because students won’t listen; they do not want to pay attention to a boring lesson. If schools provided condoms, students would run out; they would use them all up and the school would not be able to keep up with their demands. Students will not listen if you teach them to practice celibacy; they are more sexually active than rabbits.

The clear solution to the AIDS epidemic is simple. By injecting the virus into the water and infecting anyone and everyone the disease loses its power and will dwindle into extinction. The human race will become stronger and change as a whole. If this idea were to become a reality we would not be exempt. We only wish to better humanity.

A MODEST PROPOSAL

For If You See Your Black Friend Get Beat Up By The Police

by Steve G. and Trinity C.

Nowadays, we see a lot of corrupt people in power that think they are above the law. We hear a lot of stories of a lot of police in the United States that let the very little power they have go to their head. We also hear a lot of white police attacking minorities in certain areas with a lot of gun violence like Atlanta, New York, and Chicago. We would think in their training that they would be taught that every black man doesn’t have a pack of cocaine in their pocket or a illegal gun in their pocket.

There have been a lot of rallies and protests to get this issue under control, but as we can all see that’s not working. Luckily for the United States, we have the perfect solution to this problem. All we have to do is give every citizen a gun. Think about it, if everyone in the US had a gun there would be less police violence because if anyone saw the police being abusive then they could just shoot the police. This would also solve our school shooting problem which for some reason only happens in America. If there is a school shooting there would be almost no threat because everybody in the school would have a gun. You're welcome.

Another benefit of everyone having everyone own a gun is that the US could finally just shut down the police as a whole. If everyone has a gun, there would be way less crime because if someone commits a crime in public they would immediately get shot by everyone around them. That’s trillions of dollars that we just saved the US. That can now go to fixing the roads or the healthcare system. There can’t be any police brutality if there’s no police. Again, you're welcome.

How could nobody have thought about this before!? It’s so simple, America. We did a study on what’s the crime rate for people who actually legally own guns and it turns out that people who have guns legally are 94% less likely to commit a crime compared to people that have guns illegally. If we give everyone a gun then the crime in the US as a whole will go do 70%.

Isn’t that what we want: A safe world where everyone can walk outside and feel safe. A world where you can let your child stay out pass 9 pm because they have a 22 millimeter rifle on them. Wake up America. Heaven can’t get much better than this.

A MODEST PROPSAL For Preventing Illegal Aliens From The Planets Of Uranus And Mars to Stop Being a Burden To The US As Well As Making Them Beneficial To The USA

By Brian I. and Elizabeth T.

The United States of America has always had immigrants, ever since the colonization of America where they took over the native American’s land to get a better life themselves. Well, since then, America has always been a cultural melting pot for humans and their cultures, but being a melting pot for all types of cultures and customs has its hardships, problems that are just between humans.

Until recently, the topic of immigration has risen again due to extraterrestrial factors such as the invasion of a new type of hideous humanoid creatures that landed on the southern side of the hemisphere and colonized the Latin American races of South and Central America and are now trying to probe their way into our country. Thankfully our President, Donald J. Trump, the greatest president in the history of the United States of America might I add, has decided to separate us from those illegal aliens, criminals that have illegally entered earth, murderers who have killed our way of life, and robbers who are trying to steal our nation and jobs from us. Frankly, our President is not wrong about the idea of building a wall to divide us from them. We agree with this idea, although we think it could be improved by adding a few ideas to the Great Wall that could expedite the process of detaining those illegal aliens from invading our precious nation. For one, nuking the Southern Hemisphere, they aren’t humans after all and the survivors will only be just a small price to pay for the greater good of the US, but if that isn’t possible then we suggest adding lasers and machine guns to guard the Border Wall. That will surely keep them at bay. Sadly though, that will not stop them from being able to reach our unique country there will always be a few that will be able to reach the inside of our greatest nation yet and for that we imply to search every single house for them and once found detain either detain them and send them to concentration camps where they will be interrogated for information and put to work for the better good of our nation or just burn the house down. There is a slight problem though: there are simply too many of those illegal aliens inside our land and to remedy that we could just simply ship them off on a spaceship to back wherever they came from which I think is Mars or Uranus, something along those lines. Now some people will think this is utterly ridiculous, but we respectfully say, “You're Wrong.” There is no other way around this. For the better good or America and humanity plus we would be doing everyone a favor, one less culture to worry about plus those detained creatures would give us information on how to improve our already advanced technology. You think maybe good and all but with better technology we would be able to finally find our lost sock in the dryer or the parts to make a machine that will finally fix the McDonald’s ice cream machine, or maybe, just maybe we will be able to get Minecraft 2 but one can only ever hope to see the creation of Shrek 5. Now some people speak of making programs to help legalize and domesticate illegal alien but that just isn’t possible, peace with illegal aliens was never an option. It just isn’t logical if we do then we go against our history our cultural melting pot. Others may say what about the children of illegal aliens that are born on earth well they aren’t even human so the aren’t legal and in fact, they may be worse than the parents. What really upsets us is when people say we are just being racist and that us humans are the problem we’ll that is just dumb we aren’t the problem they aren’t it doesn’t matter that the want a better life than the one they have they are still illegal and they have no right to invade our country.

No objection that can be raised against our proposal, therefore, because it's the best proposal yet to be said. Not only that but also the fact that it's the best one out there to be told. Our only wish is for readers to realize the solution to this horrendous problem. Therefore let no humans talk down to my solution: Of Nuking the Southern Hemisphere, would only pay a small price for the greater good: Of the suggestion of adding lasers and machine guns to the Wall, in order to protect the Wall: Of the shipping to Mars and Uranus, the origin of their existent. If this were to be planned through and put in place it will get rid of all the filthy aliens in this country. If this were to be placed, it will get rid of all the filthy aliens in this country.

Therefore, we repeat: no human shall speak on contrary to my proposal. We only want what is best for my country and therefore give my proposal to the world.

A MODEST PROPOSAL To Help America as a Whole Overcome Sleep Deprivation

by Haden R. and Caroline U.

Here in the United States, 97% of teenagers suffer from sleep deprivation and 67% of them suffer from insomnia. This causes teens to be more focused on sleep rather than school work. Also, almost 78% of adults have suffered from sleep deprivation and most take medication to sleep such as melatonin.

What seems like the most rational solution to this problem is to have the government step in. Our proposal is that representatives from the government should come read a bedtime story and give you a shot to make you go to sleep and then in the morning, give you another shot to help you wake up.

This should help boost students' grades, increase the health of the country over all, and create more jobs for people needing them. The over exhaustion of students takes a toll on their lives, school in particular. When students are staying up late on a daily basis it shows in their grades, which supports the need for this action to be taken. Also, increasing the amount of sleep across America will make the country as a whole become more productive because of the increased amount of rest we will be getting. More people will be hired to administer the shots, creating a solution to a completely different problem.

Some “solutions” to this problem may include starting school at a later time, setting curfews, and simply going to bed earlier. These solutions are completely irrational because we are all stupid and can't afford to lose any school and people won't follow rules regarding going to sleep because even laws don't stop anyone.

To reiterate, the most obvious solution to the problem of sleep deprivation is to have the government administer shots to everyone forcing them to get some good sleep because we obviously can't do it on our own.

A MODEST PROPOSAL: For Helping the Earth Get Through This Time Of Change and Benefiting it in the Long Run

by Marly S. and Caitlyn M.

For as long as humans can remember, the earth has been going through periods of climate change. Climate change is the changing of the earth’s temperature and weather patterns and the effects of climate change are very permanent and terrible. The temperatures of the earth is more extreme. Hotter summers and colder winters kill crops. Less crops kills humans and animals. Oceans heat up and kill even more animals. The outrageous temperatures cause natural disasters like forest fire and hurricanes to become more frequent. It's a continuous cycle. If this continues, the earth will end along with everyone on it in a matter of a few short years.

We think it is agreed by all parties that something needs to be done about this problem. The plan proposed today is an obvious one. After all, it makes the most sense out of all other ideas. Through months of research and studying, our final conclusion is to do this: All of the people of the earth should block out the entire sun and plot to stop it. The sun is the root cause of global warming. After all, it controls our seasons! Summer is when the sun is closer, and winter is when it's farther away. If the sun is gone, we won't have extremely polar opposite temperatures. Since the sun is the root cause of warming on the earth, we believe that everyone should build a roof over the whole world and the atmosphere. We will use indestructible materials to build a cover over every inch of the earth. This will benefit the world in more ways than the average person can imagine.

Our proposal is honestly the best solution to this universal problem. By building a cover/roof over the earth’s surface, the planet will become cooler and we as humans will no longer have to worry about the temperatures getting too high and we will all save money because we will no longer have to use air conditioning. The oceans will no longer heat up and kill all the wildlife in it if there is no sunlight. If there's no sunlight, all of the plants will die which will mean no more carbon emissions.

Getting rid of cars and fossil fuels won't help because it will take people way longer to get to places which will set the whole world back on its daily schedule. Getting rid of plastic would never help because then what would all of the poor sea turtles eat when there is no more food in the ocean because of this crisis. Having people eat less meat and dairy won't do anything because then the cows will be the majority and humans the minority and then they will take over everything.

All we have to do to stop this change of the climate is to block out the sun with a giant roof to protect the earth from the horrible rays and sunlight. We will build a roof with the help of our alien friends from Area 51. Of course we won't be building it ourselves because of the potential sunburn from being in close proximity to the sun. We will leave that job to others.

A MODEST PROPOSAL:

For Ending Depression

by Abi R.

So many people around the world are diagnosed with depression. They are too sad to go to work, to eat, and even sleep sometimes too. We have to fix this problem soon! Too many depressed people would overpopulate all the happy people and ruin the world.

To fix the problem we should kill them. Why kill them you say? Well, if you killed all the depressed people, there would be no more sad people to repopulate with each other or bother other happy people and turn them depressed. By killing them, it makes everyone else scared to be depressed. If people start to feel depressed they can go to therapy and get a sown on happy face by their doctor to never be miserable again. This “happy face” reassures people that if they feel as though they are becoming depressed that they will be killed.

By killing all the depressed people we will save money on health care systems like psych wards that costs million to keep open each year. That’s less money each year on taxes. It also means we can focus on more important research, like a cure for cancer or HIV. Killing all depressed people opens up new opportunities for people to have jobs. When people become subjected to this illness we can hire people to kill them. By providing these jobs we can have more people financially stable, which leads to happier people and a happier life.

Although some people would suggest that therapy should be free and people should have easier access to medications that are cheaper to treat people will depression. It is also said that there should be more facilities and lower prices. Even though this might sound compelling, it’s not. Having more facilities would also mean having higher taxes to pay for these crazy people. Lowering the prices to psych facilities and the cost of therapy would make people's salary go down dramatically. Having all these people working so hard for a lower salary would most likely make them do crappier work and increase the number of people with depression.

So therefore we have to kill the depressed people. Every single one. If we don’t kill them we run into the possibility of them having kids who are depressed as well and poison the society.