SPECIAL ISSUE: AP Lang (fall 2024 cohort) share most recent 'modest' proposals

Each year in Dr. R.'s AP Language course, the students write satirical essays modeled after Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal, in which he argues that one solution to overpopulation and starvation in Ireland is infanticide. Of course, he is joking, but his jokes have serious meaning beneath them that involve urging the government and other stakeholders to create real solutions to these real problems. Below are the AP Lang students' work from this semester. You can read last year's student's work here.

TO BE CLEAR: These essays are 100% satirical and not meant to be taken literally. :-)

A modest proposal for the approach to a solution towards the problem of dress codes targeting the audience of girls and it’s impacts on equality in schools

By Jada A.

For many years now, the dress code has targeted more towards the audience of girls which over the years has led to feelings of frustration and inequality. These policies are incredibly strict, mainly focusing on female students attire while overlooking the similar standards set for male students. Instead of allowing females to express themselves through their choice of clothing, the dress code makes girls feel as if their bodies are a problem or a distraction; creating a negative tone for young girls. Overall, these rules cause a decrease in girls' confidence and creates an unequal view between both male and females.

Although this is a problem for the majority of schools, there’s one way that I believe we could do to fix this issue. Every student should be required to wear a superhero costume to school. By doing this it will help each student individually express themselves while also addressing the dress code by not targeting one specific group. Not only will this rule eliminate the dress code problem, it will create a vibrant, fun, and heroic environment for the school.

This proposal would help with so many problems that come along with the traditional dress code. 

Firstly, this new rule would help with self empowerment for younger audiences. Wearing superhero costumes will help embrace the idea that they can be heroes in their own lives which could better help their education and futures.

Next, It would also eliminate dress code violations. By implementing this rule of superhero costumes, there is no need for dress code violations due to the fact that every outfit would fit into the superhero theme. Therefore creating fairness/equality with every outfit among each student.

And lastly, it would encourage bonding between the students. Because each student will have to wear a superhero costume to school, it will give them the opportunity to bond over shared interest rather than be divided by the regular dress code rule; along with this it would help create friendships that students might have never thought would  happen due to the way someone dressed.

You might be thinking why not just revise the traditional dress code to make it more equal among all students? Well, this is because the administration will fail to make it equal among each student.  Many schools struggle to change rules/policies that have been put in place for years which can cause issues when revising the rules for an equal dress code. On top of this, students who are already affected by this will still feel frustrated because bigger changes did not occur, making them feel as if the issue with the dress code wasn’t that relevant. 

With all that being said, implementing a new dress code of superhero costumes will fix the current dress code problem. It will create a more lively and fun environment for girls to embrace themselves; along with creating a more equal environment. We should allow these girls to unleash their inner heroes through these costumes and embrace this new change.

A Modest Proposal For the Reformation of America’s Educational System in a Way That Is Inclusive to the Great Ideals on Which This Country Was Created While Being Exclusive to the Spread and Propagation of Problematic or Otherwise Inimical Ideas in the Classroom and Elsewhere.

It is clear to all that the current state of education in America is abysmal, schools spend little time properly educating students in understanding the rules, properties, and consecutions of life. The effect this has had on society is immane. To simply look past the consequence of America’s failing education would be negligent and would be the forward for a societal suicide, however, do know dear reader that I am no Nero and I shan't sit idly while Rome burns; while some may find my remedy… interesting, I’m sure my level-headed solution-oriented readers will find my proposal quite on the nose.

The crux of the proposal is quite simple in that it’s nothing more than a 4 step plan that shall be undertaken by the U.S. government, and if implemented with care and respect for the overarching mission of wanting a nation whose education is built on meaningful foundations, then one can expect meaningful results as early as 2025, assuming there are favorable outcomes in 3 weeks time. With that being said, here are the 4 steps:

1. Abolish the Department of Education

2. Repeal all crazy educational standards and regulations

3. Remove pornographic and meritless literature from the classroom (i.e. The Great Gatsby, Ulysses, The Catcher in the Rye, Nineteen Eighty-Four, Moby-Dick, Wuthering Heights, Crime and Punishment, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Stranger, Heart of Darkness, The Grapes of Wrath, Great Expectations, The Diary of a Young Girl, David Copperfield, et al)

4. Delete the terms sexual orientation and gender identity, diversity, equity, and inclusion, gender, gender equality, gender equity, gender awareness, gender-sensitive, abortion, reproductive health, reproductive rights, antiracism, racism, decolonize, inclusion, social justice, microaggression, implicit bias, discrimination,  accountability, parity, fairness, empathy, autonomy, civil rights, civil liberties, privacy, fascism, jingoism, censorship, Gestapo, police state, and any other unreasonable term used to deprive students of their rights to proper education out of every didactic rule, district regulation, standard, test, assignment, and piece of writing that exists.

Now the initial reaction of some may be, “Gee isn’t that a bit overkill?” and while you dear reader may think they have a point, they really don’t, in fact how can one really think like this when it’s as clear as day that the above mentioned are the only reasonable ways we can wrestle back the pride of our nation from unfriendly ideologies. Besides, it’s a miracle our nation has survived 248 years without the government legislating morality, so why put the future at such great risk? Better late than never! Ultimately if we Americans want to make our country great again then making these rough but meaningful changes is the only thing we can do.

Detractors to my solution may raise objections to my points and try to propose counterpoints, such as, “Wouldn’t just increasing federal funding for education achieve your goal?” or even “Shouldn’t we increase teacher salaries and support?” and to that I say: Education shouldn’t be a money pit, all useless federal agencies do is eat funding, so why feed the beast? And teachers, well they’re the greatest mongers of problematic ideas, so can you really fault me for saying we shouldn’t give the king’s ransom to the perpetrator?

America’s tumultuous relationship with education is one that is so easily solved: Simply rake out the woke and reap a prepared and uniform populous. However, my dear ideologues, let it be known that while this policy may be simple in nature it shall not be simple in execution. We will have to fight tooth and nail to see it through that the goals laid out here are done so to their fullest extent, but do not fret, for a struggle is to be expected, as a great man once said, “The purpose of life is to struggle as hard as you can for what you believe in and enjoy the struggle.”

A Modest Proposal : For Preventing Insecurity in teenagers and children of this generation due to seeing others especially on the internet and social media live “the perfect lives”. 

By Haddy Jah

Insecurity is a terrible “disease” where you start to hate your own life due to wanting more or just comparing yourself . Insecurity affects mainly teens but children at young ages can also start to slowly become insecure. Social Media has also been a major reason on why people suddenly start comparing or hating their life. Being insecure can have many effects on your life if not treated. It can affect your mental health, relationships, goals, body image, work and overall your well-being. The UN Development Programme reports that “6 in 7 people worldwide are plagued by feelings of insecurity” which shows that this is a very common problem amongst people. 

Luckily we have found a solution to fix this problem once and for all. To solve this problem, we must kill everyone who posts edited or unnatural pictures of themselves. Doing so will prevent people from wanting unreal things with their life. If we finally get rid of everyone who causes others to be insecure, the world would be a better place. We wouldn’t have to worry about how to get our body’s to look like those on social media or feel the need to become someone we aren’t. 

This should definitely get taken seriously because if we kill those who make others feel terrible about themselves, there would be less people in the world who would lie about their life or have unrealistic beauty standards. Another great thing about this solution would be that people would stop comparing their lives to others, because with less distractions from social media, people wouldn’t feel so bad about themselves. Last but not least, we will finally be free from depression, eating disorders, anxiety and all those negatives that the internet put us through. 

Some have come with unreasonable solutions to go against ours but we will not let them get away with it . One dumb suggestion was for people to not follow anyone that may cause them to think low of themselves. This is stupid because those people shouldn't post at all if they know their life would make someone self conscious or envious. Another unwanted suggestion was to stop comparing yourself because they claim “comparison is the thief of joy”. Well if someone doesn’t want us to compare ourselves maybe they shouldn’t flaunt their perfect lives in our face. For this last suggestion they claimed that if people are having a hard time with their self esteem due to social media they should just delete those apps. Wrong! We deserve to be on social media no matter what. 

Insecurity is a major problem in our world nowadays, and can happen in many ways. With our solution not only will you stop being insecure, you’ll finally feel free and happy with your life. Our perfect solution; to kill everyone who posts unnatural pictures and creates unrealistic beauty and body standards.

A Modest Proposal: Improving the U.S. voting system in favor of the most fit candidate for the country

by Addison A.

According to the Pew Research Center 63% of Americans favor the elimination of the Electoral College system that decides who is the next President of the United States. There are other obvious problems with the US voting system that create many hurdles like long lines, poor-functioning voting systems, and others that disproportionately affect low income communities, students, and senior citizens.  This also creates public distrust in the legitimacy of election outcomes and creates risk of mass protests. 

All other solutions, which have been few and far between, have not worked. Something new and innovative is desperately needed. Both candidates competing on Dancing with the Stars is not only the obvious solution, but would be the most effective and logical. Whoever wins the Mirrorball trophy is the one which will be most fit to run our country. All of America could also be witness to this so the fairness could not be called into question. 

Dancing tells a story that words can't, no one wants to hear two candidates argue all night in a debate. Lets let them tell us their policies on the dance floor, their opinions on abortion can be expressed through a fast-paced Paso Doble. Their dance partner could be their Vice President nominee. It seems that sometimes Vice Presidents just take a backseat during the election. They should not just be their partner on an election ticket, but also the stage of Dancing with the Stars. Finally, America could still vote for their favorite couple, I mean candidate. More Americans own a cell phone than a car to drive them to the polls. It's also very easy. All you have to do is text TRUMP or HARRIS to 21523. 

Ending corruption and placing limits on campaign financing just sounds stupid. The American government would be what it is today if we didn't have corruption. Allowing early voting won't work either, if you work a job that won't allow a day off like first responders, healthcare workers, or those who cannot afford to take the day off, well that just seems like a personal problem. Automatic voter registration also increases efficiency and voter turnout, but our country was only founded by a couple of people. Not everyone needs to vote anyway. 

Again, we must fix our electoral system and we must do it quickly. Season 34 featuring couple Trump and Vance as well as Harris and Walz is ready to be filmed. Don't forget America text 21523 to however had the best tango. Also, remind your candidates to point their toes and work on their footwork or Bruno Tonioli will give them a low score. May the best candidate when the Mirrorball trophy and I guess the White House.

A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR REDUCING THE SUFFERING OF CIVILIANS WITHOUT A HOME AND CREATING JOBS WHERE THEY ARE ABLE TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY.

By Nathan L.

It is quite an unfortunate sight, for the people that drive through the cities and the towns, of people walking along the street and sitting at the bus stops with bags or shopping carts in tow. These people, instead of going back home after a day’s work, have to find places to use sleeping bags, tents, or sleep out in the cold. 

I believe that it is generally agreed upon, that the number of people staying in parks, abandoned homes, or bus stops is a big problem in need of solving. My plan will not only help the homeless in the cities, but is also available to any person who finds paying for a home to be a struggle. 

My plan will also remove the need for stealing or illegally squatting in order for someone to have a roof over their head.

From an associate that served during the beginning of WWII, I learned that labor camps provide housing, food, and work for the people staying within. Therefore I believe it to be reasonable for the government to build camps across the country in order for the homeless or impoverished to stay and work.

Throughout multiple historical events, labor camps have been used to house a great number of people in the hundreds of thousands. So it would not be necessary to reassign great expanses of land in order to efficiently house many people who wish to have a place to stay.

Due to the large concentration of people in an area, food companies may wish to create branches to provide food to the people living in these camps. For this reason, providing food to the residents of these camps should be no problem.

Finally, the citizens living in these camps will not only be able to work at these food establishments, providing for their fellow man, but could also work at factories built within the site to prepare goods. The products from these camps can be used to trade with other countries and will boost the economy by great amounts.

I’m afraid that a system that provides housing in exchange for a job with lower pay would be ineffective, providing classes to assist with obtaining jobs would be for naught, rehabilitation for people that have gained addictions would be senseless, and providing benefits to assist veterans would be completely nonsensical.

These solutions could only be entertained if assisting these individuals in need was a desire at the heart of our nation.

It is of great happiness that I came upon this solution after toiling away for a vast expanse of time, as it has never been proposed and shall likely be paramount to solving this issue that has plagued our country.

To all the other kind hearted people that have tried to help in aid I must ask, how would we as a country be able to provide assistance through any other means than by the organized residency of a camp such as I have described? Any of the proposed solutions would simply be of too great a cost to our nation and so would not be viable for completion, so it is my belief that there is no solution better than the one I have proposed to you today. 

A Modest Proposal

For addressing gender inequality in society by establishing clear boundaries and roles to restore order and prevent confusion

By Carriyelle G.

Gender inequality is a major issue that affects many aspects of our society. Women often face challenges that limit their opportunities and freedom. For instance, women are frequently expected to take on more household responsibilities, which can put a hold on their possible careers. In education, girls may be discouraged from pursuing subjects like math and science because of old stereotypes. These inequalities not only harm individuals but also hold back entire communities from reaching their full potential.

To tackle this serious problem, I propose an effective solution. We should require all women to wear virtual reality headsets so they can exist in a world where gender stereotypes aren't a thing. In this reality, they can explore careers of all sorts without worrying about what society expects. This way, they can imagine a future where they follow their dreams freely.

This solution makes perfect sense for several reasons.  FIrst, it allows women to explore their interests without the pressure of judgment from others. Secondly, by experiencing a world without stereotypes, they could gain the confidence to pursue careers that are often seen as male dominated. Finally, this could lead  to more women entering STEM fields, which would benefit everyone and bring fresh ideas.

On the other hand, solutions like scholarships or awareness campaigns are stupid and would cause a political and complicated nightmare. Scholarships for women in STEM  are like hidden treasures, everyone talks about them, but no one seems to know where to find them. So what’s the point in investing in them? As for awareness campaigns, they are like when someone throws a party and no one shows up. Those who do show up might nod along but they will forget the message as soon as they leave the room.

 While gender inequality holds back dreams and opportunities, my proposal to use virtual reality as a way to make a positive change offers a unique solution. This idea supports the need to acknowledge our current situation and push for a real change that will help everyone pursue their interests. It's essential to recognize that the issue isn't just about individual aspiration, it affects an entire community and the economy.

A Modest Proposal for preventing the students of public school districts from violating dress code policies and being a nuisance to the school

by Mya T.

A common complaint in school is students' violation of the dress code policy. Failure to follow the policy leads to a lot of disruption within the school and classrooms. Students put themselves at risk of danger by wearing shoes not aligned with the policy such as open toed or flip flops which could endanger them in different settings. In addition to shoes, clothes are also a factor. The school environment is for learning and different articles of clothing such as crop tops, pajamas, and shorts above knee length could be a distraction for other students in the classroom.

To stop all these disruptions from dress code violations, students and staff should all be required to come to school naked. This way there would be no violations or disruptions in school because everyone would look the same. We were all brought into this world naked so there shouldn't be a problem with us wandering the earth as so. 

This would be a reasonable solution because it would minimize bullying in schools, if everyones naked no one could judge the other for having a bad style or wearing fake/cheap clothing brands. This would benefit the parents of students because they wouldn't have to spend loads of money buying their kids clothes for school every year. Lastly this would increase moods because students don't have to deal with getting constantly berated for their style choice and staff won't have to deal with calling out each individual student not following dress code.

An alternate solution to enforcing the dress code policy would be to enforce school uniforms. However, uniforms would eliminate students' right to expressing themselves as an individual. For example some students prefer to wear tie dye, some prefer the gothic look, and some prefer more urban style, by not allowing them to express themselves through style this could cause mental health issues, making them doubt who they are as an individual.

By all means, if a student's wardrobe has now become a bigger issue than a child's actual education then I say just make everyone come naked. We have bigger issues to worry about than judging how a student chooses to express themself through style. Districts could put that energy and attention into finding good staff and making sure students grade school experiences.

Reducing Social Media use from Destroying Real-World interaction and promoting Genuine Human Connections 

by Jalisa C.

In Today's world the obsession with social media has reached unprecedented levels. People are more engrossed in their screens than in real-world interactions. This addiction to social media platforms has led to a big decline in face-to-face interaction, causing relationships, and months to get badly. The  contrast needs for validations through likes and comments, and compliments from everyone. 

To address this problem, we will have a manotry social media black out. We will have to  get our electrons up to the government every other week, and government officers will come knocking on everyone's door to pick up every electronic device by 7am. During this time period people will have to partake face too fact interactions, these people will have to partake in different competitions against each other, and the people that who lost gets their electrons first back, and whoever wins gets to live in the moment and get a detox from social  media, and a stress free week with comparing themselves, and bettering their relationships, and friendships. 

This is a logical solution for many different reasons. Firstly, it will lead to a new change in human interaction, with more face-to-face interactions, because people will have no choice but to conversate. Secondly, the absence of social media will distract people from the fake things they see on social media, as people will see things for what they really are, and not silly filters, and fake lifes, and this will improve mental health as people wouldn't be comparing themselves to others looks, or life. Lastly, no social media will boost productivity, as people will not have phones 24/7 to distract themselves. 

Some might argue that there are less extreme measures that people should take, such as the time limit where you can take different social media breaks, and get promoted by going outside and actually speaking to humans, not just over the phone. Many of these are ignored by people, because they are not  very enforced and people are usually too deep into their own lives, and what's going on with social media, and don't want to change their ways, and are fine with all the negative things that come with social media, and everything. 

In conclusion, People are more engrossed in their screens than in real-world interactions, and this requires having a big and good Solution. We will have a manotry social media black out. By the end of this we will restore real-life in person connections, and the world will be a calmer place and it will reduce many different unfortunate casulaties.

A modest proposal for prevention of skinny people becoming emaciated and becoming a skeleton. 

by Janiyah H.

Starving is something like a disease but simply just choosing not to eat is crazy, being emanciated and walking around usually means that people think your very thin especially from disease or hunger or cold. synonyms: bony, cadaverous, gaunt, haggard, pinched, skeletal, wasted, which is really not topic to joke on now days. 

The number of people affected by hunger globally rose to as many as 828 million in 2021, an increase of about 46 million since 2020 and 150 million since the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic according to a United Nations report that provides fresh evidence that the world is moving further away from its goal of ending hunger, food insecurity and malnutrition in all its forms by 2030. 

Most people that are emaciated feel that they can never gain weight again, but I have a solution to this problem. To help them gain the weight , we can take unhealthy foods, get them delivered to their house and threaten them if they don't eat it, therefore they'll have no choice but to eat all the unhealthy and fatty foods non-stop so there's really no reason they can't gain the weight. Then, once they become addicted, they’ll start eating the foods everyday with no problem.

This is a good idea because when they have to go out and get food on their own they are not picking the right stuff so we put a stop to it, they’ll get addicted and can’t stop. Another thing is that this will make their weight higher because they’re eating junk food and they won’t want to eat any other foods because they’re addicted to junk foods. 

Of course, people may say that there are different ways to fix these types of problems like eating more protein, fats, nuts, and whole grains, but I feel that this just isn’t enough. 

If we do this solution it´ll help stop this issue and have everyone looking and being somewhat healthy!