How to NOT give criticism

By Jahmarcus W.

Hiya folks! You know giving criticism? That thing where you actually give a work a fair shake, with an open mind and respect for what the creator was trying to do? Yeah… that’s totally rampant in the community. People have definitely been giving everything the respect it deserves, never dismissing animations as “just for kids” and therefore Oscar-ineligible, or knocking a game’s score because the reviewer couldn’t get past the tutorial level, or writing something off entirely because it’s not an instant masterpiece for their attention span—because obviously, everyone has excellent attention spans these days.

Anyway, I’m here to help you give fair and critical criticism! Trust me—I’m a teenager with zero formal writing experience, except for my own fanfiction, and I haven’t read most of the most applauded works of fiction ever. So I’m perfect to force-feed you advice. And don’t worry—this tutorial is completely sincere. I mean, obviously I have a trophy for “Best Writer Ever” after penning a work so good it made Stephen King shed a tear… and earned me a million dollars. Totally happened.

Now, some say the way to stop artists from going down the wrong path is to leave a mean comment online. Not!

Giving criticism is a fine, delicate art that requires nuance and careful thought. It’s kind of like how a bulldozer demolishes a house. But don’t stress—giving criticism isn’t really a skill, so you don’t need to hone it. After all, writers don’t benefit from reading critically or workshoping their own work… right? Nah, criticism should really be an opportunity to… cut loose.

Yeah, put other creators down to elevate your own ego! Step one: make it personal. When giving critique, never risk appearing weak. Insult the author! Sure, you could keep it impersonal, focusing on the work itself, but where’s the fun in that? Tearing people down is far more entertaining. Don’t forget to be snarky! Grind the author’s confidence to dust—it’s intoxicating.

Not a sadist? Too mean for your tastes? That’s okay. You can just… say nothing. Is the story full of overpowered Mary Sues preaching environmentalism, with a plot so tangled it needs a flowchart? No worries—just compliment the font. Comic Sans? Avoided. Burning crosses? Sure, “that could work.” Being nice is optional anyway, because we’re all either morally perfect or Satan-level evil, right?

I even asked my classmate Joshua Langley for feedback, and he had the audacity to say, “This is horrible advice! You can’t just throw criticism around willy-nilly.” See? That’s criticism. How should you handle it? Simple: get personal. Don’t focus on their comment—after all, how dare someone point out your genius?

Internet critique isn’t about thoughtful analysis. It’s about nitpicking irrelevant details no one else cares about. Hate coffee shop scenes? Spend paragraphs whining about them, even if the Mary Sue has been preaching animal rights for twelve pages, or the anti-hero is slaughtering orphans for shock value. Coffee shops are the true evil here. And don’t forget hyperbole—worst story ever! Best story ever! Perfect for building a constructive echo chamber.

Ignore target audience, of course. Children’s book? Should tackle supply-side economics. Fantasy story? Robots and space marines, obviously. Your subjective taste is the only thing that matters.

Obsession is key. Hate a story? Start a blog, a YouTube channel, dissect every error in excruciating detail. Forget hobbies, walks, exercise, or even reading something new. Clearly, obsessing over a story is the noblest way to spend your finite time. Don’t analyze why it’s popular—just attack it. Fans and authors will definitely listen to you then.

Remember: criticism should never be given with grace or empathy. Understanding a story’s strengths and weaknesses so the author can improve? Too complicated. Mindlessly praise, or mercilessly tear down—that’s the real skill. Creative folks should feel free to be overwhelmingly negative, without responsibility or thought. Or… maybe, just maybe, try actually helping someone for once.